虎媽嗆辣文章一睹為快！Why Chinese Mothers are Superior?

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother

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各位不要看虎媽是耶魯大學的法學教授，其實她的文筆詼諧生動，並且偶爾展露女性的八卦天性，這樣的特質讓這本書變得非常好讀且容易消化。虎媽雖然因為此書內容引發不少爭議，不過語不驚人死不休的特質，不但讓她名利雙收。兩個女兒也瞬間成為家喻戶曉的人物。也因為虎媽的著作，Tiger Mom儼然已成為嚴母的代名詞。許多美國母親對Amy Chua的育兒經不以為然，這些反對虎媽作風的女性，紛紛自封為Dolphin Mom媽(慈母)。海豚母以無盡的愛與包容為育兒的最高指導原則，海豚母跟孩子互動像朋友。

到底是虎媽好還是海豚媽強？每個人看法不一。不過就飼養與訓練寵物的角度來看，教練得投虎媽一票。因為我家的兩隻貓五毛與黑皮三個月大就被教練收養，教練對於貓咪的訓練與規範很嚴格，所以我家的兩隻貓如今已經快要八歲，不但不會亂抓花沙發，連吃東西還有日常生活作息都非常乖巧有禮貌(連打鬧亂跳的時候也會一直偷偷看教練的反應)。朋友每次來家裡作客親眼目睹後都非常羨慕，除了對兩隻貓咪會跳環握手嘖嘖稱奇，對於教練一個眼神，兩隻貓就馬上配合動作的能力，更是深感佩服。

教練贊成嚴格規範，但是要公平的對待動物。所以嚴格可以但是不能虐打啊。


本書介紹

這是一個媽媽、兩個女兒、兩隻狗的故事。這個故事原本要說的是中國父母教養小孩比西方父母高明之處。

然而後來說的卻是激烈的文化衝突、一閃而逝的光榮滋味，以及一個十三歲孩子是如何挫掉虎媽的銳氣的。看完蔡美兒教授的經驗，你將對東西方教育方式的差異有更深的體悟，也將重新思考，什麼才是真正適合孩子的教養之道。

所有的父母都想做對兒女最有利的事。西方父母盡可能尊重子女的個體性，鼓勵他們追求自己真正感興趣的事，提供正面的支持與培育的環境；反之，中國人認為，保護子女的上上之策，就是讓他們為未來做好準備，讓他們看清楚自己能做什麼，讓他們具備技能、好習慣，以及自信，因為這些是別人拿不走的。

虎媽認為，童年就是訓練期。對蘇菲亞和露露來說，這表示要上中文課、練習數學，每天還要練兩、三小時樂器（連出門度假也不間斷，周末時練習時間還要加倍）。然而得到的成果說明了一切：這兩個女孩子都是非常優秀的學生：有禮貌、樂於助人、成績優異；露露贏得康乃狄克州小提琴神童獎，蘇菲亞則十四歲就在卡內基音樂廳登台演奏。

然而在這些成就的背後，卻要付出極大的代價。虎媽在一次練習中，威脅要燒掉蘇菲亞的填充動物玩偶；從露露三歲起，虎媽就對這個任性的小女孩毫不留情，自此兩人的戰況愈演愈烈。然而虎媽對自己的要求和對女兒的要求一樣高，她的犧牲──付出大量時間和精力、甘心忍受傷心痛苦，在在表現出她對女兒深深的愛。

《虎媽的戰歌》顯露出東、西方教養世界觀的衝突，然而歸根究柢，這個故事說的其實是一個母親對兩個女兒所懷抱的希望，以及她心甘情願為投資她們的未來所做的冒險。

作者簡介

蔡美兒　Amy Chua

耶魯大學法學院約翰．達夫講座法學教授。第一本著作《著火的世界》（World on Fire: How Exporting Free Market Democracy Breeds Ethnic Hatred and Global Instability）為《紐約時報》暢銷書，同時也被《經濟學人》和英國《衛報》選為二○○三年年度好書。第二本著作《帝國時代》（Day of Empire: How Hyperpowers Rise to Global Dominance─and Why They Fall）是廣受好評的《外交》（Foreign Affairs）雜誌暢銷書。目前與先生、兩個女兒，以及兩隻薩摩耶犬居住於康乃狄克州紐哈芬市。

Why Chinese Mothers are Superior?
By Amy Chua

A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids典型的成功小孩. They wonder what these parents do to produce so many math whizzes數學天才 and music prodigies音樂天才, what it's like inside the family, and whether they could do it too. Well, I can tell them, because I've done it. Here are some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do:

• attend a sleepover 小女孩們周末去朋友家玩，然後過夜

• have a playdate玩伴

• be in a school play

• complain about not being in a school play

• watch TV or play computer games

• choose their own extracurricular activities

• get any grade less than an A

• not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama

• play any instrument other than the piano or violin

• not play the piano or violin.

I'm using the term "Chinese mother" loosely我對所謂的中國母親這個字眼的定義頗為寬鬆. I know some Korean, Indian, Jamaican牙買加, Irish and Ghanaian迦納 parents who qualify too. Conversely反過來說, I know some mothers of Chinese heritage擁有華裔血統卻在西方長大的母親, almost always born in the West, who are not Chinese mothers, by choice or otherwise基於自己的選擇或是其他原因. I'm also using the term "Western parents" loosely. Western parents come in all varieties西方父母也有千百種

All the same, even when Western parents think they're being strict, they usually don't come close to being Chinese mothers. For example, my Western friends who consider themselves strict make their children practice their instruments 30 minutes every day. An hour at most. For a Chinese mother, the first hour is the easy part. It's hours two and three that get tough.

Despite our squeamishness過分拘謹的 about cultural stereotypes, there are tons of studies out there showing marked and quantifiable differences between Chinese and Westerners when it comes to parenting. In one study of 50 Western American mothers and 48 Chinese immigrant mothers移民至美國的母親, almost 70% of the Western mothers said either that "stressing academic success is not good for children" or that "parents need to foster the idea that learning is fun." By contrast, roughly 0% of the Chinese mothers felt the same way. Instead, the vast majority of the Chinese mothers said that they believe their children can be "the best" students, that "academic achievement reflects successful parenting,孩子優異的學業成績能反應出父母成功的教養方式" and that if children did not excel at有優異表現 school then there was "a problem" and parents "were not doing their job." Other studies indicate that compared to Western parents, Chinese parents spend approximately 10 times as long every day drilling academic activities with their children中國的父母會花在陪小孩子作課業習題的時間是一般西方父母的十倍之多. By contrast, Western kids are more likely to participate in sports teams.西方的父母比較會參與小孩子的體育活動

As an adult, I once did the same thing to Sophia, calling her garbage in English when she acted extremely disrespectfully toward me. When I mentioned that I had done this at a dinner party, I was immediately ostracized被排擠. One guest named Marcy got so upset she broke down in tears and had to leave early. My friend Susan, the host, tried to rehabilitate me with the remaining guests.這一段說的是，有一回虎媽參加一個晚餐聚會，結果因為跟賓客說自己曾因大女兒對自己不禮貌，而脫口罵小孩是garbage(垃圾 廢材)而馬上遭到與會的西方父母撻伐，還有人因此痛哭離席，女主人則是試圖緩和大家情緒，並且讓虎媽變得正常一點，這邊的正常rehabilitate非常諷刺，因為對孩子口出惡言，在西方國家中是會被其他人唾棄的，要矯正行為。

The fact is that Chinese parents can do things that would seem unimaginable—even legally actionable可以被告上法院的—to Westerners. Chinese mothers can say to their daughters, "Hey fatty—lose some weight." By contrast, Western parents have to tiptoe around the issue小心翼翼的繞圈子不能直說, talking in terms of "health" and never ever mentioning the f-word, and their kids still end up in therapy for eating disorders通常是暴食症或是厭食症 and negative self-image. (I also once heard a Western father toast his adult daughter by calling her "beautiful and incredibly competent." She later told me that made her feel like garbage.)

Chinese parents can order命令 their kids to get straight As. Western parents can only ask請求 their kids to try their best. Chinese parents can say, "You're lazy. All your classmates are getting ahead of you." By contrast, Western parents have to struggle with their own conflicted feelings about achievement, and try to persuade themselves that they're not disappointed about how their kids turned out.

First, I've noticed that Western parents are extremely anxious about their children's self-esteem自尊心. They worry about how their children will feel if they fail at something, and they constantly try to reassure 像…再三保證their children about how good they are notwithstanding即便 a mediocre平庸 performance on a test or at a recital音樂表演. In other words, Western parents are concerned about their children's psyches. Chinese parents aren't. They assume strength, not fragility脆弱, and as a result they behave very differently.

For example, if a child comes home with an A-minus on a test, a Western parent will most likely praise the child. The Chinese mother will gasp in horror因為恐慌或是驚訝而倒抽一口氣 and ask what went wrong. If the child comes home with a B on the test, some Western parents will still praise the child. Other Western parents will sit their child down and express disapproval, but they will be careful not to make their child feel inadequate不夠好 or insecure, and they will not call their child "stupid," "worthless" or "a disgrace丟臉." Privately, the Western parents may worry that their child does not test well or have aptitude能力 in the subject or that there is something wrong with the curriculum 課程and possibly the whole school. If the child's grades do not improve, they may eventually schedule a meeting with the school principal to challenge the way the subject is being taught or to call into question the teacher's credentials.

If a Chinese child gets a B—which would never happen—there would first be a screaming, hair-tearing抓頭髮(抓狂) explosion. The devastated沮喪傷心 Chinese mother would then get dozens, maybe hundreds of practice tests and work through them with her child for as long as it takes to get the grade up to an A. 母親會與小孩一起寫習題，直到小孩子考到A為止

Chinese parents demand perfect grades because they believe that their child can get them. If their child doesn't get them, the Chinese parent assumes it's because the child didn't work hard enough. That's why the solution to substandard performance is always to excoriate痛罵, punish and shame the child. The Chinese parent believes that their child will be strong enough to take the shaming and to improve from it. (And when Chinese kids do excel, there is plenty of ego-inflating膨脹自尊 parental praise lavished豪無止境的讚美 in the privacy of the home.)

Second, Chinese parents believe that their kids owe them everything. The reason for this is a little unclear, but it's probably a combination of Confucian filial piety儒家所倡導的孝道 and the fact that the parents have sacrificed and done so much for their children. (And it's true that Chinese mothers get in the trenches親力親為, putting in long grueling hours 長時間的折磨personally tutoring, training, interrogating質問 and spying暗中監視 on their kids.) Anyway, the understanding is that Chinese children must spend their lives repaying their parents by obeying them and making them proud.

By contrast, I don't think most Westerners have the same view of children being permanently indebted to their parents永遠都欠父母. My husband, Jed, actually has the opposite view. "Children don't choose their parents," he once said to me. "They don't even choose to be born. It's parents who foist life on their kids賦予孩子生命, so it's the parents' responsibility to provide for them. Kids don't owe their parents anything. Their duty will be to their own kids." This strikes me as a terrible deal for the Western parent.

Third, Chinese parents believe that they know what is best for their children and therefore override不顧/推翻 all of their children's own desires and preferences. That's why Chinese daughters can't have boyfriends in high school and why Chinese kids can't go to sleepaway camp在外過夜的露營活動. It's also why no Chinese kid would ever dare say to their mother, "I got a part in the school play! I'm Villager Number Six. I'll have to stay after school for rehearsal every day from 3:00 to 7:00, and I'll also need a ride on weekends." God help any Chinese kid who tried that one.

Don't get me wrong: It's not that Chinese parents don't care about their children. Just the opposite. They would give up anything for their children. It's just an entirely different parenting model.

I've thought long and hard about how Chinese parents can get away with what they do. I think there are three big differences between the Chinese and Western parental mind-sets心態.

Here's a story in favor of coercion, Chinese-style. Lulu was about 7, still playing two instruments, and working on a piano piece called "The Little White Donkey" by the French composer Jacques Ibert. The piece is really cute—you can just imagine a little donkey ambling along緩行慢走 a country road with its master—but it's also incredibly difficult for young players because the two hands have to keep schizophrenically難到要讓人精神分裂的 different rhythms.(兩手要表現的方式不同，對於小孩子來說要彈好確實會讓他們抓狂)

Lulu couldn't do it. We worked on it nonstop for a week, drilling each of her hands separately, over and over. But whenever we tried putting the hands together, one always morphed into本來應該是兩手各彈不同調子，可是彈到後來總會變成兩手同調 the other, and everything fell apart. Finally, the day before her lesson, Lulu announced in exasperation惱怒 that she was giving up and stomped off跺腳.

"Get back to the piano now," I ordered.

"You can't make me."

"Oh yes, I can."

Back at the piano, Lulu made me pay. She punched, thrashed摔打 and kicked. She grabbed the music score and tore it to shreds將琴譜撕爛. I taped the score back together and encased it in a plastic shield so that it could never be destroyed again. Then I hauled Lulu's dollhouse to the car and told her I'd donate it to the Salvation Army救世軍(慈善機構) piece by piece if she didn't have "The Little White Donkey" perfect by the next day. When Lulu said, "I thought you were going to the Salvation Army, why are you still here?" I threatened her with no lunch, no dinner, no Christmas or Hanukkah presents, no birthday parties for two, three, four years. When she still kept playing it wrong, I told her she was purposely working herself into a frenzy because she was secretly afraid she couldn't do it. I told her to stop being lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent放縱任性 and pathetic自憐又可悲的.

Jed took me aside. He told me to stop insulting Lulu—which I wasn't even doing, I was just motivating her—and that he didn't think threatening Lulu was helpful. Also, he said, maybe Lulu really just couldn't do the technique—perhaps she didn't have the coordination yet—had I considered that possibility?

"You just don't believe in her," I accused.

"That's ridiculous," Jed said scornfully. "Of course I do."

"Sophia could play the piece when she was this age."

"But Lulu and Sophia are different people," Jed pointed out.

"Oh no, not this," I said, rolling my eyes翻白眼. "Everyone is special in their special own way," I mimicked學某人說法或是動作 sarcastically. "Even losers are special in their own special way. Well don't worry, you don't have to lift a finger完全不用費力. I'm willing to put in as long as it takes, and I'm happy to be the one hated我樂得扮黑臉. And you can be the one they adore扮白臉 because you make them pancakes and take them to Yankees games."

I rolled up my sleeves and went back to Lulu. I used every weapon and tactic策略 I could think of. We worked right through dinner into the night, and I wouldn't let Lulu get up, not for water, not even to go to the bathroom. The house became a war zone, and I lost my voice yelling, but still there seemed to be only negative progress, and even I began to have doubts.

Then, out of the blue, Lulu did it. Her hands suddenly came together—her right and left hands each doing their own imperturbable沉著冷靜的thing—just like that.

Lulu realized it the same time I did. I held my breath. She tried it tentatively試驗性的 again. Then she played it more confidently and faster, and still the rhythm held. A moment later, she was beaming.

"Mommy, look—it's easy!" After that, she wanted to play the piece over and over and wouldn't leave the piano. That night, she came to sleep in my bed, and we snuggled依偎 and hugged, cracking each other up講些笑話逗對方笑. When she performed "The Little White Donkey" at a recital a few weeks later, parents came up to me and said, "What a perfect piece for Lulu—it's so spunky有精神 and so her."

Even Jed gave me credit for that one. Western parents worry a lot about their children's self-esteem. But as a parent, one of the worst things you can do for your child's self-esteem is to let them give up. On the flip side從另一方面來看, there's nothing better for building confidence than learning you can do something you thought you couldn't.

There are all these new books out there portraying Asian mothers as scheming耍陰的, callous冷酷的, overdriven逼死人的 people indifferent to不關心 their kids' true interests. For their part, many Chinese secretly believe that they care more about their children and are willing to sacrifice much more for them than Westerners, who seem perfectly content to let their children turn out badly. I think it's a misunderstanding on both sides. All decent parents want to do what's best for their children. The Chinese just have a totally different idea of how to do that.

Western parents try to respect their children's individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment這邊是說西方父母通常會努力以正面的方式為小孩加油，提供一個非常具有愛的溫馨環境. By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they're capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away中國父母則強化從小就以鐵的紀律與嚴格的教養方式，培養小孩的自信與學習事物的技巧，確保能擁有競爭力.

—Amy Chua is a professor at Yale Law School and author of "Day of Empire" and "World on Fire: How Exporting Free Market Democracy Breeds Ethnic Hatred and Global Instability." This essay is excerpted from "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" by Amy Chua, to be published Tuesday by the Penguin Press, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc. Copyright © 2011 by Amy Chua.